For the past year or so I’ve been living in the most amazing bubble. In that bubble I get to spend pretty much all day every day with our beautiful little girl. I can go and visit my mum, sister and neices whenever I want. I take little miss to see her granma and grandad which puts a spring back in their step. We can go and have lunch with friends or go to the park or swimming when the mood takes us. In fact we can do pretty much what we like when we like to suit us. I’ve even been known to have the tea ready for hubby coming home from work, washing done and the house tidy(ish) and clean(ish).
It’s been a fabulous little bubble and worth every last penny of my savings it’s taken. And it has taken every last penny. Unfortunately though I’m told that all good things must come to an end. But why must they? Why can’t this go on forever? It’s been the most amazing journey which has allowed me time to get to know our daughter and for her to get to know me. We’ve created so many amazing memories from our first trip to the swimming baths (I had LOTS of help from sister and neices and needed a lie down afterwards!) to our first family holiday, first steps and lots and lots of laughs, with a fair few tears and tantrums thrown in too. It’s meant I could go and see my mum in hospital when she had a mini stroke, without worrying about work. Similarly when hubby very inconsiderately got pneumonia on Boxing Day (our first Boxing Day as a family of 3 I might add!), I didn’t have to juggle going to see him in hospital around work. Juggling that with childcare was hard enough, but if work had been in the mix too, I’m not sure I would have coped.
At this moment in time, other than being paid, I’m really struggling to see exactly what the benefits to me as a person are in going back to work. Clearly, the lure of being paid is a very big pull given we have a mortgage and bills to pay, but other than that and seeing some of my friends more often, going out to work fills me with nothing but dread and sadness. Dread that I’ll no longer be able to do the job I used to be able to do without a second thought, and sadness at how much I’m going to miss out on our daughter’s childhood. I was incredibly lucky and saw her first crawl, her first step, and so many other firsts. But there are going to be so many more I’m going to miss while I’m at work.
Before I went off on adoption leave, there were times when I worried that I’d struggle being away from work for so long. Away from adult company. But I haven’t struggled being off at all. I’ve really thrived being with our daughter, and fitting in setting up a small business and writing around her. That has given me far more satisfaction than a day at work ever did.
One thing I wasn’t prepared for in the build up to my return to work was just how guilty I’d feel at leaving our daughter at nursery and how difficult it would be to walk away from her at her first session. The next few times haven’t been any easier. The guilt you feel walking away and leaving your child when they are hysterically screaming your name, has to be one of the worst feelings in the world. Every fibre in my body was telling me to turn round and go and pick her up and take her home. But I couldn’t. She has to get used to being at nursery as I have to go back to work.
The last few weeks have made me realise more than ever that sometimes real life sucks. I really want to stay in my lovely bubble with our precious little girl forever. I might even let hubby stay at home with us every now and then too!